| and i've never felt any less |
[15 Mar 2007|10:32pm] |
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music |
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my leg twitching and hitting the side of the desk |
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well.
shit.
didn't expect this to happen.... so soon anyways.
where are you my yellow bird?
i've been waiting for you for so long now.
it's growing so tiring i've almost completely given up on you ever coming to me.
so many false starts.
so many abrupt stops.
why is it that this time the concieved notion of having you here was just so wonderful?
was is because you were in my dreams for a month before your actual arrival?
all you did was push me back to past mistakes
past habits
remembering you were never even here
just forced those habits to the frontlines of my life.
whered you go for days and days?
i keep looking at the picture on the box,
but now,
now you have just removed so many key pieces.
a handful for every time you enter my life,
that it probably wont ever look the way it is supposed to.
all im left with is a bunch of closeups of what could be complete pictures.
but will never be finished.
all i want is to open that first door, to see my yellow bird.
fuck.
i would love to just get a glimpse into the window of home.
but those shades seem forever drawn.
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| not this again |
[15 Mar 2007|12:38am] |
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music |
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at least not well enough.... |
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and then
the worst happened only when, and if, it had been assumed
returning to this a few years later is more of a retreat than a triumph
it seems like the previous wording of my effects and successes and failures in my life
just goes to show me that I really havent moved ahead as much as I would like to think
theres this lonely circle I have been letting myself revolve around for so so so so long
is it because I dont feel comfterable at all removing myself from it?
do I lack what it actually takes to make a little bit of progress?
sure, I make plans just like everyone does.
but the follow through is what I am actually lacking.
perhaps it is the lack of relevence
perhaps is lies in the lack of goddamned motivation to do anything
everything seems too far gone to make a move on.
everything seems so distant and fading that the world that is supposed to keep spinning....
suddenly.
stops.
is this my fault? not sure.
will it ever be certain? I feel like I've been here before anyways...
seeing as the only advice offered from those who are older than I
comes in lonesome bursts of
unvocalized compassion.
i guess if your own life is lacking in worth and happiness
how in the name of anything are you supposed to give advice with a straight face?
sorry. the vagueness escaped me for a moment.
oh
and as if I hadn't already killed enough of these;
i found a new bird.
it may turn out to be a monster though.
everytime i try to feed it, try to take it out of its cage and touch it for a few seconds
it tries to fly away
i cant clip its wings
when it ignores me
when it doesnt look at me
the same way i look at it
not that i really expected anything else
from the first day i saw it
i didnt think it would chose me, but oh, oh, it did
i made sure
i made sure this time
not to give it too much attention
not to scare it away
i thought i made sure
the first day i took it home,
after many brief visits
it seemed so so distant
it flew to me first.
and now i believe it wishes to fly away.
You are always saying that I owe you one, well, let's consolidate this debt
Get on a payment plan, I'll pay you compliments, you can still treat me bad
maybe ill frequent you all a bit more often
(HAH. oh, and home? i've never heard anything more humorous)
(also - fuck you monday night, tuesday in general, wednesday morning and dusk-night,
and probably an advance fuck you for thursday. take that week!)
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[10 Jun 2005|11:45pm] |
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if i had an aftertaste. i wouldnt like it.
you wouldn't like it, and either would she.
confusion has taken some sort of deathgrip apon my entire being and is forcing me to sleep less and write more.
sleep less and sing more.
sleep less and play more.
im not even tired.
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[09 Jun 2005|01:21am] |
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while my less tangeable qualities flow to the birm, i am stuck revisiting what i thought i once abandoned.
the laughter lives in lines and music notes
and when you cant find it anymore, then you have no reason to cry either
so believe whatever youd like, but its tiring now
as are all of you
thus explaining my leaving, but regarding my returning....?
haven't the slightest
i just feel more comfterable here
and if i ever laugh at sleepless nights again, dont say i didn't warn you cause i did and you should all fucking know that
when motion sickness feels like a fair trade, but then you get it before you can, its severely uncomfterable and insanely jealous at the same time.
hopefully it won't be tuned into a permanent beeping noise, because that could really make me sick
while pink spherical objects lay neatly arranged in a gatorade lid on my desk to form a large X i wonder what they would look like scattered across my freshly washed white sheets, which, in fact, i will be replacing in a moment for my old ones, as they havent gone in the hamper yet and they don't smell fake.
fake is a bad thing in case you didnt know
its something you should strive to stay away from
descriptive words are you enemy
and lines and music are your friend.
dont remove yourself from good things when you come to you
keep a carpet on the bathroom tile
it gets cold at night
dont say you love someone until you are literally unable to sleep without them
and dont lie
any of you that have said that haven't been there
i haven't
and never will be
and yet the sleep still hasnt come
i needed this
farewell
p.s.
breathe easily. im not leaving forever, and those of you who choose to insult, feel free.
all is welcomed with open arms.
its something i need.
i need you all.
to.
fuck.
me.
up.
im not even joking.
join in the fun.
all of you.
its.
the.
best.
feeling.
if you dont want to insult me.
go to someone else's journal
and tear them apart.
youll love it.
your human after all?
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[02 Mar 2005|01:13am] |
I know I have been talking about recording a demo for the longest time.
The demo has now turned into a full length.
Or whatever youd like to call it.
The final tracklisting will be.
01.Living As An Aquired Taste
02.A Great Escape
03.Like Threading a Needle
04.Liar's Market
05.Why Do You Wait All Night?
06.A Fair Trade
07.When The Moon Sings to the Sun
08.That Swinging Pendant
09.And It's Constant Chiming
10.This Week's Bullshit
It will be done this week.
And ready to be sold by my next show on the 18th [the cellar... no comments!]
w/ Die On Sunday
and I think Joe said some band called 7 Day Weekend was going to do an acoustic set.
Whatever.
Come see me.
::EDIT::
SHOW[S]
18TH
25TH
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[25 Feb 2005|01:22am] |
so.
the preverbial red tape has been broken
and the yellow lines have been crossed
and i no longer feel so very alone.
but while considering this fact.. [with the aid of my good friend vodka.
and ice.
and those nice red stirring straws]
..i did realize there are some things i must fix about myself.
i don't know if i am ready to fix these things quite yet.
but when i am, when im much older...
i'll be sure.. umm, to let you all know.
i haven't really fallen lately
just a stumble here and there
i'm coming out alive though.
and hopefully that will be a continued trend
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[20 Feb 2005|02:18am] |
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Co-pilot here.
What did that prick whisper to you?
Was it playful and flirty
Or degrading and dirty?
I know you like it both ways
So -- what did he say?
To make you so goddamn defiant
So fucking triumphant
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[17 Feb 2005|01:52am] |
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mood |
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optimistic |
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music |
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wonderwall - ryan adams |
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I said maybe,
you're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all...
You're my wonderwall.
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[16 Feb 2005|06:10pm] |
my mother on sex:
"...it's a special thing between two people, so try to make it special! BRUSH YOUR TEETH!"
this came after she told me she was less worried about me shooting up heroin, than me accidently giving her a granchild earlier than she expects.
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[12 Feb 2005|01:07pm] |
::EDIT::
"..the hardest thing to do, is to find someone who beleives in you..."
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[07 Feb 2005|11:26pm] |
la cien blues: you update for me :]
hah, i'm tight
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[31 Jan 2005|10:12pm] |
so
i redesigned my journal
after looking at other peoples.
and being sick of looking at mine,
life is fine.
more shows soon.
recording with topher tomarrow.
jillian is pretty.
music is my soul.
still.
livejournal gives me a headache.
still.
bye.
and shannyn my denmother disagrees with everything i do.
but i still love her.
to the max.
word.
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[24 Jan 2005|12:49am] |
tell me when i tripped that wire
because it must have torn sometime
between what was and what is now
the indifference of myself, seems to grow
retreat is unhealthy because its the same as defeat
yet you still grow from the experience of
falling on that floor
and the patterns of the tile
sing me stories for a while
and im watching myself sink deeper into sleep
such is a lie, its often required
to grasp anything we can reach
second story fire excape
climbing ladders up and down all day
you must have been so tired
so darling, just rest your head
and maybe sing me something sweet
on our way to the bed
perhaps in the second verse ill join you
i remembered every word that you said
because you’ve been singing all week
with a tone way up in heaven
and perhaps the sweetest melody
so grasp onto anything and repeat the words to me
a laughter not so quiet
and sheets so soft and cool
its so empty i feel like i am dying
it seems that the screen door is screaming at me
and i want it to stop slamming
but it seems itll never be halting
and the freezing air is so far from what i want
but if your not feeling it
im sure it will be alright
such is the way that the cards fall
from a table missing its leg
because it didnt have one to stand on
in the first place
and please only ask what i am willing
and please only request something so filling
and i need just to keep on breathing
because im so afraid my heart will stop
and my veins will just stop flowing
and my lungs will just caugh empty
and my skin will turn to ash
and scatter in the wind
and it seems ill just keep adding
because its this song that keeps me living
these words and notes and the chorus i am singing
and some times im just so afraid that it will
stop
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| music |
[18 Jan 2005|12:08am] |
i had two songs up on myspace.
i had to take one down and am re-uploading it tomarrow due to the sound quality.
so now i have one up.
check it out.
www.myspace.com/anoutlineof
oh... and....
you're the yellow bird i've been waiting for...
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[16 Jan 2005|03:45pm] |
sleep still swarms silently,
schooting stars still shine,
silent solace swallowed sweetness,
stops shows, sister's seven,
sing songs swallows sand,
sunday starts, stop sauturday,
smoke swiftly, sleep slowly,
soley she starts,
silver sunlight scene,
she sings something sweet,
she stares softly.
she sees superimposed sprinkled streets,
she sails storming seas,
she sleeps, same sheets,
shes starlight,
shes starting sunshine,
shes sunshine (mine),
sleep, sunshine. sleep.
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[11 Jan 2005|05:30am] |
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none of you should expect to see me for a while, don't call me... if i want to talk to you, i'll call you or IM, or whatever the fuck.
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| you know who you are. |
[09 Jan 2005|04:02am] |
When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They’re all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When you’re walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish you’d make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you’ll rest sometime
I wish I could
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[05 Jan 2005|09:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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accomplished |
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music |
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ryan adams - oh my sweet carolina |
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i've been writing some new songs lately, i'm hoping to start getting some more shows after the cellar one, even though theres not a whole lot of places for me, or anyone for that matter, to play in this town. i may have to branch out, not complaining though.
i'm thinking about trying to record soon, it's something i need to do, especially with this new material thatis coming out of left feild for me, it's a little different than my older stuff, but i think it counds better, more complex, this is something i'm loving to do, and loving to learn from the mistakes i make while doing it.
on another note, i'm really realizing how much i like this town, and dislike the fact that everyone hates it so much, tracy has given me everything i have... and my only sadness comes from situations which i create.
so thank you tracy, california.
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[30 Dec 2004|11:30pm] |
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music |
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arcade fire - neighborhood #1 (tunnels) |
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"then we tried to name our babies but we forgot all the names that -
the names we used to know..."
i'm not dead.
i promise.
i've been - *gasp* - busy.
i have a show coming up on the 28th of january, you all should come.
i've been liking how everything has been going lately, been enjoying the people i chose to spend my time with.
Cody has been down, it's been nice seeing him again.
plenty of time spent with Julia, which is wonderful, even when we're both trying to validate our doing nothing by asking "what are we doing?" everyonce and a while.
even though i enjoy the nothing, a lot more than if we were actually doing somthing, it's something to me, well... hah... wow, that fell rather flat.
entries, that are in all actuality, happy... are just that.
goodnight.
"..but sometimes, we remember our bedrooms,
and our parents' bedrooms, and the bedrooms of our friends. then we
think of our parents, well what ever happened to them?"
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